Shame Grows in the Dark
Shame Grows in the Dark
I’ve been thinking a lot about shame lately.
Not guilt. Not regret. Shame.
There’s a difference.
One of the teachings from Brené Brown that has stayed with me is the difference between “I did something bad” and “I am bad.”
Guilt says, I made a mistake.
Shame says, I am the mistake.
And I think so many of us carry that second one without even realizing it.
We carry things we’ve done. Things that were done to us. Choices we wish we could change. Versions of ourselves we don’t necessarily want anyone else to see.
And somewhere along the way, those experiences can become part of the story we tell ourselves about who we are.
I’m not good enough.
There’s something wrong with me.
If people really knew me, they might not love me.
I should be further along by now.
I should have known better.
Shame has a way of making us want to hide.
And hiding is exactly where shame grows.
Brené Brown teaches that shame thrives in secrecy, silence and judgment, and that empathy is one of its greatest antidotes. That has been so powerful for me because healing doesn’t always come from fixing ourselves. Sometimes it comes from finally allowing ourselves to be seen.
There is something incredibly freeing about sitting across from another human being and saying, This is the part of me I’m afraid for you to know.
And instead of judgment, receiving:
Me too.
I understand.
You’re still worthy of love.
I think that’s why vulnerability can feel so terrifying and so healing at the same time.
The Body Holds What We Don’t Say
For me, shame isn’t only a thought.
You can feel it in the body.
The tightening in your chest. The knot in your stomach. The urge to make yourself smaller. The feeling that you want to disappear from the room.
We can spend years trying to think our way out of something our bodies are still holding.
This is one of the reasons I believe so deeply in breathwork and other practices that bring us back into the body.
Sometimes there aren’t words for what we’ve carried.
Sometimes the healing is simply breathing into the places we’ve spent years avoiding.
Not forcing them away.
Not pretending they didn’t happen.
Just creating enough safety inside ourselves to finally feel what is there.
You Can Take Responsibility Without Living in Shame
This is an important distinction for me.
Healing from shame doesn’t mean pretending we’ve never hurt anyone or made mistakes.
It doesn’t mean bypassing accountability.
Actually, I think the opposite is true.
When I stop believing I am bad, I have more room to honestly look at the things I’ve done, make amends where I can, learn from them and choose differently.
I can say:
I did something I’m not proud of, and I am still worthy.
I made mistakes, and I am allowed to grow.
That was who I was then. It does not have to be who I am today.
There is so much freedom in that.
Because we are not meant to spend the rest of our lives punishing ourselves for versions of us that were simply trying to survive with the tools we had at the time.
Bringing Shame Into the Light
I don’t think shame disappears because someone tells us to love ourselves.
I think it begins to loosen when we become willing to meet ourselves differently.
With curiosity instead of judgment.
With compassion instead of punishment.
With honesty instead of hiding.
And with the courage to let safe people see the parts of us we thought we had to keep hidden.
Maybe healing isn’t becoming someone completely new.
Maybe it’s slowly taking off everything we learned to hide behind and realizing that underneath all of it, we were worthy the entire time.
So if there is a part of your story you still carry with shame, maybe you don’t have to get rid of it today.
Maybe you simply sit beside it.
Put your hand on your heart.
Take a breath.
And remind yourself:
This happened.
This is part of my story.
But this is not all of who I am.
There is so much more to you than the thing you are most ashamed of.
And sometimes the moment we finally bring that part of ourselves into the light is the moment we realize it never had as much power over us as we thought.
Some things are easier to bring into the light with company.
If something in this stirred, there are two doors. Come sit in circle with other women — no one has to say a word who doesn't want to. Or come privately, where what surfaces stays between us.
